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Cloud Nine

Yes, someone is making my heart beat again. If this is just an infatuation, I don't care. I have the right to be happy and as long as I am not hurting anyone or being unfair with anyone, I think it's okay.

My conversations with him makes me laugh. His laughs are music to my ears. He is the reason why I want to go to work everyday. I just can't help listen to our conversations again and again. His e-mails and SMS are truly what I wait for everyday. Oh, the feeling of heaven is here again...

I don't know where this is taking me but all I know is that I am happy with this. My happiness is all that matters now. I have been sad for the past few weeks so I guess I deserve to earn happiness. :)

A New Beginning?

After a few weeks... Here I am. Just had a new hair cut and was enjoying my life flirting with guys who are even far more attractive than my ex. (No exaggerations, no sugar-coatings, just plain honesty).

I am beginning to like this guy I will just call PJH. He is a few years older than me, is also working like me and he is also quite handsome. I really have fun talking to him everyday and it really tickles my heart whenever I hear him laugh. Too bad that he is such a workaholic so I cannot talk to him a lot. Anyway, thanks to him, I already started forgetting the guy who had the guts to appreciate a goddess like me and dumped me afterwards. (Don't raise your eyebrows guys, every woman is a goddess in their own way).

There is another guy though, but I am not considering him since I know that everything was indeed a joke. I will only believe it if he will become serious about it. (Besides, I don't want to be number two. Hahaha).

So far, those are what this delusional angel keeps herself busy with right now.

Realizations...

I already sent him a message telling that it's up to him if he still wants to return the thing he borrowed from me. Finally, I had let him go; and that was a week ago. Well, he already read my message and has no reactions to it. Knowing him, I guess he would really not react to it anymore.

After that, things have become lighter and easier for me. I find it reasonable to walk alone every night this time because I knew that I am single. I am not holding someone's hand because I don't have a boyfriend. I may long for his kisses but all I know now is that those are just memories from the past and it will remain as a part of my past. IT CANNOT BE MY PRESENT NOR MY FUTURE.

And then there was Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist. He mentioned something about omens and the past, present and the future. Yes, I must admit that I already had an omen that we will part ways, but I did not heed to that foreshadowing. But at least, now, I learned my lesson.

Life is the present. Your future maybe important but it cannot be made possible if you dwell on your past. And my present greatly affects my future. This is the reason why I should live my day without rushing into things; it's all part of the process.

So now, I must say, I made the right choice. It doesn't matter to me if he will regret letting me go or not. What matters now is that I corrected my own mistakes, and I have learned a lesson. I am so glad that at least, when I wake up in the morning, it is not "him" that I am first thinking of anymore. ^^

Before I Let You Go

Finally, I am letting go... I don't want to but I NEED TO. I need to do this to regain my pride as a woman who fell in love for the wrong person. It hurts so much, I am afraid that this might be my last time to love someone. I already have given everything to him that I don't have enough left for myself. He is just too naive and selfish to understand that...

This is the song I am dedicating to him, for the last time. Each words in this lyrics is so true, it just depicts what my heart tells me. It is sung by Freestyle. Here it is:

I can still remember like yesterday
We were so in love in a special way
And knowing that your love will
make me feel oh so right
But now I feel lost, don't know what to do
Each and every day I think of you
Holdin' back the tears, I'm trying with all my might

Refrain:
Because you've gone and left me standing All alone
And I know I've got to face tomorrow On my own....
But baby....

Chorus:

Before I let you go
I want to say I love you
I hope that you're listenin' 'Coz it's true,baby
You'll be forever in my heart
And I know that no one else will do,
yeah So before I let you go
I want to say .....
I love you

Interlude:
I wish that it could be just like before
I know I could've given you so much more
Even though you know I'd given you all my love
I miss your smile, I miss your kiss
Each and every day I reminisce
'Coz baby it's you That I'm always dreaming of...

Repeat Refrain
Repeat Chorus (except last 3 words)

Bridge:
Coz Letting love go is never easy
But I love you so That's why I set you free And I know
Someday
Somehow
I'll find a way To leave it all behind me
Guess it wasn't meant to be But baby.........

Repeat chorus (except last 3 words)
So before I let you go I want to say.......I love you .

Better than Yesterday

Yes, there are still times I miss him, but now, I am starting to accept the fact that we are now living in our different worlds... It's like, no matter how I try to divulge myself into yesterday, it will never be the present situation again.

It hurts, I must admit, but I should really let go now... For the sake of the real man who is waiting for me at the end of my journey... I know that at the end of this winding road, the man that God made for me is standing there, patiently waiting for his Jessie.

And so, my chapter with him closes now... But I know this is just the beginning of another wonderful story waiting to be unfold, right before our very eyes. God is not yet finished writing my love story. :)

No More I Love You's

Artist: Annie Lennox

I used to be lunatic from the gracious days
I used to be woebegone and so restless nights
My aching heart would bleed for you to see
Oh but now...
(I don't find myself bouncing home whistling buttonhole tunes to make me cry)

No more "I love you's"
The language is leaving me
No more "I love you's"
Changes are shifting outside the word

(The lover speaks about the monsters)

I used to have demons in my room at night
Desire, despair, desire... Sooo many monsters
Oh but now...
(I don't find myself bouncing home whistling buttonhole tunes to make me cry)

No more "I love you's"
The language is leaving me
No more "I love you's"
The language is leaving me in silence
No more "I love you's"
Changes are shifting outside the word

(They were being really crazy
They were on the come.
And you know what mommy?
Everybody was being really crazy.
Uh huh. The monsters are crazy.
There are monsters outside.)

No more "I love you's"
The language is leaving me
No more "I love you's"
The language is leaving me in silence
No more "I love you's"
Changes are shifting outside the word
Outside the word...

Here's the audio file if you want to listen to it: http://www.4shared.com/audio/kkYu7pH9/Annie_Lennox_-_No_more_I_love_.htm

Why?

Why do I keep on loving you
Even if you hurt my whole heart and soul?
Why am I still shedding these tears
After a few weeks of realizing it's all over?
Why do I still keep on hoping
Even it is obvious that it's truly hopeless
And why can't I stop myself
From this madness you've put me through?

Why am I giving you this immeasurable love
If they say you're not worth it?
Why can't I forget you
When there's a lot out there who's better?
Why am I a fool
And so into this delusion
And why do I have to meet you
If you have to leave me after wards?

Jailed Romeo and Confused Juliet

Yes, I was right. The meeting was delayed again, thanks to his situation. Damn, his situation is the sole reason why we are like this now in the first place.

I want to make a deal with God to turn back time... I wish we were just like before; we can meet each other whenever we want without thinking of anyone or anything. In our 4-sided world, it was only me and him... And all the people outside our world were just nothing to us. They could not disturb us in our square-shaped world.

The story was indeed like Romeo and Juliet. Even before we became a couple, we already thought that we were the Asian version of Shakespeare's tragic lovers. And look at us now, all the people around us and even the situation is trying to pull us apart.

Was it really true that Romeo fell out of love with Juliet? Or he was forced to pretend that he fell out of love so he would not hurt her again big time?

What Romeo does not know is that Juliet is willing to wait for him...

To end or to continue, that is the question...

I Stay In Love With You

(This song by Mariah Carey is one of the songs that perfectly describes how I feel right now. I think this answers the question: "Jessie, Have you already moved on?")

Oh baby
Baby, I stay in love with you

Dying inside 'cause I can't stand it
Make or break up
Can't take this madness
We don't even really know why
All I know is baby
I try and try so hard
To keep our love alive

If you don't know me at this point
Then I highly doubt you ever will
I really need you to give me
That unconditional love I used to feel
It's a mistake if we just erase it
From our hearts and minds and I know

[Chorus:]
We said let go
But I kept on hanging on
Inside I know it's over
You're really gone
It's killing me
'cause there ain't nothing
That I can do
Baby, I stay in love with you
And I keep on telling myself
That you'll come back around
And I try to front like "Oh well"
Each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now
No matter what I do
But baby, baby
I stay in love with you

Na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na
Baby, I stay in love with you

It cuts so deep
It hurts down to my soul
My friends tell me
I ain't the same no more
We still need each other
When we stumble and fall
How we gonna act
Like what we had
Ain't nothin' at all now

Hey, what I wanna do is
Ride shotgun next to you
With the top down like we used to
Hit the block
Proud in the SUV
We both know our heart is breaking
Can we learn from our mistakes
I can't last one moment alone
Now go I know

[Chorus x2]

I stay in love
Love
Oh, I stay in love.

Delaying Tactics please?

It's already Thursday... And I am still confused, undecided and all... It's like I don't want that day to come. That day will end all my agonies but it will be also the end of my hopes. I may appear okay but I still love him. It never changed from the first day that I said "I love you too" until now. I don't know when will my heart give up loving him, and when will I love again. I don't know... I guess I would NEVER like to love anyone again. If I will love again, can it be just him again? I am so willing to wait. Pathetic? No. I'm just a woman who loves a guy so much more than I loved myself. I guess, even after that day, there will be more restless nights for me...

The Grand Exit

(This is indeed the first poem I made after I graduated College (which was over 2 years ago). It is not as grand as Emily Dickinson's or Edgar Allan Poe's. Actually, I am not after the criticisms, I am after the expression of my thoughts.)

The time has come
For me to go
And since Shakespeare said
"All the World's a Stage"
I will make a grand exit
out of the play of your life
An exit so memorable
That might make you stop me
But I don't care anymore
It might be criticized by the audience
It might be called a flop
But for me
who makes the screen play of our lives
This must be my ending
I don't want it tragic
Yet I still want it to be memorable
It may not be graceful
But I still call it grand
So be prepared
Your stage is mine for a while
And watch me make
My final bow.

Of Shattered Decisions and Utmost Stupidity

Last night, I logged in my FB account. HE logged in just 6 minutes ago during that time, and he even updated his status. But sadly, he just ignored the message I sent him. This message is just about a plead for him to return a very important object under his possession. It hurts that he just ignored this message. It seems like he really doesn't have any respect for me at all. And yes, I was so hurt... HE used to be so concerned with me before and now, HE doesn't care about me anymore...

Suddenly, thoughts of desperation struck me again... But thank God I was pulled back to reality by my best friend. It is indeed pointless to be in a relationship with the other half ignoring it's other half. It cannot be regarded as a whole if the other half doesn't fit at all...

Well, maybe I really need to be so firm about my decisions. But to tell YOU honestly, I'm still vulnerable, and just one bait, you can make me fall for your trap again...

My Happy Ending

This song is called "My Happy Ending" sung by Avril Lavigne. This is one of the best songs that describes my feeling right now. Here it is:

So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus]

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

[Chorus x2]

[x2]
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

After Four Months...

When the clock strikes at 12 midnight, I suddenly remembered something. This day, we are supposed to be four months together. I can still remember how he became my boyfriend. The first time that he said "I love you" is still very fresh in my mind.

Four months after that unforgettable incident, here I am. How do I feel now? My friends say they find me "blooming". They can see that I have a good aura. It's like I already made a step in moving on from that terrible heart break. Well, definitely true. I am happy now. I can still remember those beautiful memories we shared together but it doesn't make me cry anymore; in fact, it makes me smile. Really...

I just hope that when I see him for the last time, I would not take two steps backward. I don't want to be stuck in the same situation with a boy who chose to neglect my loving heart. It's really his lost now, I can say. Let's see if he can find a woman who can love him more than I do... or I DID. ^^

Hanging...

I was oh-so-ready... I already had a preview of how the event will go in my mind. I even psyched myself not to turn back from my decisions. "For the better Jess, for the better" -that's the mantra I keep on saying to myself.

Hours passed. Stupid me, I still kept on expecting him. Well, he remained consistent with his personality: nothing but a boy who doesn't keep his promises. Damn. Such events prolong my agony, and sadly, it's not my fault anymore. All I want is a quick end to this misery, and yet, it is still not given to me. Curse you immature, stupid boy. I cannot forgive you with what you are doing to me right now...

I wish I wouldn't be left hanging for so long. I want to put a period at the end of the statement, and not an ellipsis... :(

The last time...

This is the day I will meet him for the last time. I must admit that until this time, there is still a slight chance that I might try to hold on once I get a sight of him; that I might beg for another chance. But if this would further prolong my agony or would make everything go back in its place, I don't know...

The pressure on my part is really that big, but I am trying to keep my cool. Since last night, I am praying harder; for me to be stiff towards my decisions, and just for once, make me insensitive with all the events that will occur later this day... To remind me that he is never the man I loved before, and he is just a boy that keeps on breaking both my heart and soul... To remind me that he is now a beast that does not care with what I feel and with all the sacrifices I had made just to save our relationship.

This would be the last time I will see him. If I will see him accidentally in the future, I don't know. But if that would happen, I also pray that I am already healed, and that he will just be reminded of that beautiful mistake I did in the past; a mistake that I could simply laugh off.

I Still Love Him BUT...

We are actually going four months on Wednesday, but as my friends say, "Why prolong the agony?". Really, my almost four months relationship with him is the happiest and also the saddest four months of my life...

I can still remember how he cares for me, how he gets worried when I get to hurt myself accidentally. I can still remember the nights when all we do is just stare up at the moonlit sky while holding each others hands. All the sweetest things we did together are still fresh in my mind.

But lately, everything changed. The man I used to love change into that insensitive boy who continues to hurt my heart. Yes, my heart is bleeding and is so wounded. I really cannot believe that the man who used to take care of my heart is the same man who would break it into pieces.

Lies... Lies... And all lies... He told his friends that his "in a relationship" status in Facebook is a big joke. It hurts me because he said that if his friends will ask me, he would admit our relationship. I was also so hurt whenever he tells me lies, one over the other. I HATE GUYS WHO TELL LIES.

I don't want to cry every night anymore. I hate to be treated this way. I need to make a way out, on my own.

I love him more than I love myself... But I honestly think that I don't deserve to be treated this way. I must let you go now. Just remember, I still love you so much, but, I deserve to be happy. ON MY OWN. Gotta walk this Earth solo.